26 April 2012

Letting Go of a Dream

Not going to lie to you. It hurts a bit. 

Generally, I'm happy and upbeat around these parts. Mostly because I'm generally happy and upbeat in real life. But this blog is real life too. And sometimes you have to share the sad.


I'm in a bit of mourning. 

I'd held this dream so very dear for so very long now. And we were actively planning on making it a reality later this year. So I admit, I cried for a while last night. 

And I'm still a bit sad today. 

Well, maybe more than a bit sad. 

At my last thyroid appointment, (where I got the all-clear on my thyroid), the doctor became quite concerned when I admitted I was taking quite a bit of benedryl, and ordered me in for a round of allergy testing. 

I've had allergy tests as a little girl, so I'm not a stranger to them. I know I have allergies, but really, I thought I was doing pretty well. 

But oh. Oh, no. 

The last thing you want to hear your very experienced doctor say is "Oh wow." Especially followed up with "you are really allergic to the whole world."

I tested so severely on every single trigger, she didn't bother with the usual secondary test. Instead, I got scripts for allergy pills, spray, and eye drops. I was told I'd have to start getting allergy shots. Most people have to go for three to five years before they are "cured." My doctor looked me right in the eye and said, "you're going to need a lot longer than five years."

So I left with a laundry list of must-haves and don't-dos for my next apartment. Because I'm triggered by every single one of the seasonal triggers (no relief year-round) and all the environmental triggers. And well, frankly, a garden apartment is just the absolute worst for those kinds of allergies. My body is under siege, she told me, which explained the mysterious nighttime hives I've been breaking out in over the last year. 

But back to the lost dream. 

No pets. 

Ever. 

Meaning that dog I so desperately want to love and cuddle and walk and spoil rotten is not meant to be. 

I can have a fish. Or a stinky turtle. Or I can watch birds through the closed windows. 

But no cuddly dog to play with and for us to love. 

I cried. 

I'm grateful we found out before we adopted a pup of our own. But it still hurts. 

I know it's a first world problem to have, but really, letting go of any dream requires a bit of a mourning period, especially a dream so close to coming true. 

So I may be a bit sad for a while. And I'm okay with that. 

5 comments:

Zelde said...

Oh no. :( maybe you can go walk dogs at the dog shelter. Then they don't leave hair all over your place.

Nadja said...

I'm so sorry to hear about that. I know how I would feel if I was told I couldn't have a dog. =( I realize that your being allergic to practically everything means it's probably a "no" but is it possible to try out some of the "hypoalergenic" dogs? There are a few breeds that are "allergy friendly" You might find this site helpful: http://sweet-lucys.com/allergybreeds.html

Karen C said...

Sad =(
Letting go of a dream whatever size or shape it is definitely deserves time to grieve the loss. Sending virtual hugs and a cup of tea ... and wishes for new dream to bloom when it's time.

KT Mac said...

Zelde...thank you. No worries. Just because I can't have a pup of my own doesn't mean I won't find a shelter or a dog park to get my pup fix.

Nadja...thank you. It did break my heart, but I'm hoping when I'm further along in my allergy treatments, we can indeed talk about a hypoallergenic dog. Fingers crossed! I won't give up hope.

Karen...thank you. I have no doubt I'll find a new dream to make come true in due time. But it helps so much to know I have so many good friends to cheer me on through the rough times.

Mb said...

So so sad. I know how badly you wanted this. I saw the same hearbreak in Shoe's face when I gave him my laundry list of allergies. We've done research about hypoallergenic breeding, but it's so hit or miss.