Generally, I'm happy and upbeat around these parts. Mostly because I'm generally happy and upbeat in real life. But this blog is real life too. And sometimes you have to share the sad.
I'm in a bit of mourning.
I'd held this dream so very dear for so very long now. And we were actively planning on making it a reality later this year. So I admit, I cried for a while last night.
And I'm still a bit sad today.
Well, maybe more than a bit sad.
At my last thyroid appointment, (where I got the all-clear on my thyroid), the doctor became quite concerned when I admitted I was taking quite a bit of benedryl, and ordered me in for a round of allergy testing.
I've had allergy tests as a little girl, so I'm not a stranger to them. I know I have allergies, but really, I thought I was doing pretty well.
But oh. Oh, no.
The last thing you want to hear your very experienced doctor say is "Oh wow." Especially followed up with "you are really allergic to the whole world."
I tested so severely on every single trigger, she didn't bother with the usual secondary test. Instead, I got scripts for allergy pills, spray, and eye drops. I was told I'd have to start getting allergy shots. Most people have to go for three to five years before they are "cured." My doctor looked me right in the eye and said, "you're going to need a lot longer than five years."
So I left with a laundry list of must-haves and don't-dos for my next apartment. Because I'm triggered by every single one of the seasonal triggers (no relief year-round) and all the environmental triggers. And well, frankly, a garden apartment is just the absolute worst for those kinds of allergies. My body is under siege, she told me, which explained the mysterious nighttime hives I've been breaking out in over the last year.
But back to the lost dream.
Meaning that dog I so desperately want to love and cuddle and walk and spoil rotten is not meant to be.
I can have a fish. Or a stinky turtle. Or I can watch birds through the closed windows.
But no cuddly dog to play with and for us to love.
I'm grateful we found out before we adopted a pup of our own. But it still hurts.
I know it's a first world problem to have, but really, letting go of any dream requires a bit of a mourning period, especially a dream so close to coming true.
So I may be a bit sad for a while. And I'm okay with that.