05 January 2012

On Finding My Voice Again

I struggled a bit this last year. 

Felt a little lost and uncertain. 

And that was okay. 

I was, I am, so loved that I knew I was safe to lose my way a bit and still know I'd have love and gentle hands to help guide my way home. 

As I got stronger, I got quieter again. 

Started asking myself the real questions I'd tip-toed around a year ago. Started daydreaming big again. Started asking the "what ifs" and "just maybes" and daring to push the boundaries of the comfort zone I'd drawn in nice and tight around myself the last few years. 

So much change and challenge, you don't really think about. You just push through and find ways to comfort yourself. But if you rely on that comfort zone too much, you begin to stifle yourself. It can become cloying. 

And in my case, I lost myself a bit. 

But I've found my way back. 

Started remembering and embracing the me who made me so happy. Not the me that lived to make others happy. The real me

But more than that. Listen closely, because this is big

More than that, I started seeing how the me I was and the me I wanted to me have started to come together. So magically, it seems, but through honest hard work and realization. 

How the "someday, maybe I'll be" has become "today, I am"

And that's so powerful. So breathtakingly powerful. It actually makes my heart ache with gladness. 

So that down time. 

That lost time. 

That quiet time. 

Was worth it. All worth it. I don't talk quite so much these days. But when I do, it's because I have something to say. 

And when I have something to say, I now also have the skills to understand what I'm not saying either...and why. I can read between my own lines now. 

Such a great skill.

I was always good at understanding others. What they do and don't say and why. But not so good at understanding myself. 

But now, I do. 

And I'm better for it. And my world is better for it. 

Now I'm ready to talk again. Ready to share the little snippets of my life that make me pause and think. Make me live and feel

And the greatest comfort of all was, is, knowing that I am so well loved that even when I lost my way, I was never truly lost. Never truly in danger. I had hands to reach out to when the going got rough or to push away when I needed to stand on my own or to hold onto when I just needed to be loved. 

That's a special love there, my friends, I know it. And I love him for it, all the more. 

I don't talk as much now, but my voice is stronger because I mean it when I have something to say. 

All that, to simply say, "welcome back, my friends, to our regularly scheduled chats."

All pictures are bits and pieces of the grounds of my ancestral home

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