12 July 2011

KtMac Confessions: Body Love

I know just what I want to say today, but I'm struggling with finding the words that will make what I want to share perfectly clear.

I am in a pleasantly weird spot with my body these days. 

What do I mean by pleasantly weird?

I am not happy with my weight, but I am in love with my body. 

I am pleasantly surprised and happy with this newfound love of my body. But it's weird too, in that after a year of choosing extra snuggles on the couch over gym time or eating those oh-so-delicious-but-oh-so-bad-for-you foods instead of choosing to deny myself a treat or two, I am in love with my body even if I'm not happy with the number on the scale. 

I feel sexy. Confident. Beautiful. Comfortable

I like my hourglass shape, and dress my best to show it off. After a year of leggings and yoga pants, I have gotten back into wearing outfits that make me feel pretty every day. 

My skin is soft beneath my fingers. My legs seem like they go on for days. I have found bras and shirts that celebrate my generous "blessings" instead of merely containing or hiding them. I realized I am wearing scarves more to protect my thyroid scar as it heals than to hide it. 

After years and years of not believing I am beautiful. After years of thinking I was just ordinary or cute in the girl-next-door way at best. After years of rolling my eyes every time Joe tells me, "You're so beautiful" (which lucky, lucky me, he tells me every single day, because, as he tells me often, "it's true every single day"). After years of only seeing the flaws when I look in the mirror. 

Now, I see a beautiful body I love. 

And that brings me peace

Granted, I still see imperfections and some extra pounds, but I no longer obsess over them. This summer, I turned 27 and for the first time since I was 14, I own not one, but two bikinis that get regular wear at the beach, even when Joe isn't there. For someone who was so insecure about her body for such a long time, the bikinis are a bold proclamation of love to the world.

And I owe so much of this confidence and security to Joe's patient, daily reminders that I really do have a body worthy of great love. Thank you, my love, for all the reminders.

All of that is a pleasantly weird feeling. I am enjoying this body love of mine. And I sincerely wish that kind of self love and peace for each and every one of you too. 


Hails said...

this is amazing. and awesome. and something that I have, for years, reached for. I have fleeting moments of body love, but most of the time, I admit, I grab at the fat on my side and my stomach and I wish it to just disappear.
I'm trying to get where you are!

Mb said...

you go, ktmac!!!

KT Mac said...

Thank you ladies! Here's wishing you both the same kind of love.