04 January 2011

KtMac Confessions: Gentle

I have so much I want to tell you.  To share from these last few weeks and what will be coming.  But I've learned a bit of patience in the last few years and I'm willing to take my time.  To make sure the stories are right and the moments are perfectly captured.  

But today, my focus is on two things.  

One, my New Year's Resolution. 

I'm not a big New Year's Resolutions kinda gal.  I feel like you should change the things you want to change when you want them to change, not wait until the first of the year.  And I generally feel that by calling it a "resolution" instead of a "goal" helps set you up for failure and self-reproach.  But I do kind of like the whole idea of a word that defines your intentions for the year.  

So I've combined the two.  My New Year's Resolution is "gentle" as in "be gentle with yourself, KtMac."

What do I mean by that?

Simple.  I am my own worst enemy.  I criticize myself.  I find fault in what I do or don't do, or what I wear, or how I look, or the thoughts I think or, or, or, or......

And, even worse, I've let others dictate those harsh recriminations.  I've found myself trying to please others and internalizing it when it is not enough for them.  

That stops now.  

I'm tired and incredulous that I've allowed myself to be so harsh a judge.  So this year, I am working on being gentle with myself. 

Gentle with my thoughts. 

Gentle with my feelings. 

Gentle with my health. 

Gentle with my goals, successes, and failures. 

Gentle (but still ambitious) with my dreams and hopes. 

Gentle with my love. 

Gentle with my joy.  

All in the hopes that I'll stop focusing on what I'm doing "wrong" and start focusing on all that is lovely and right and wonderful with my beautiful life.  

It is a tough New Year's Resolution.  There will be days I'll struggle.  But there will be days I'll triumph.  And I want, no, I need to do this for myself.  I'm confident.  

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And two, it is my Papa's birthday today.  Even though he's been gone a dozen years now, I still always take a moment today to thank my lucky stars that I was so loved by such a wonderful grandfather and that I have such a sweet and happy angel by my side.  

2 comments:

Hails said...

this is a really great resolution, and put in such eloquent terms. I know that this is something that I should work on as everyone has always told me that I am too hard on myself. Gonna try!

KT Mac said...

thanks Hails! let me know how you do with this too!